I've blogged before but I needed something fresh that I could use to reinvigorate my creative juices through writing. Truth be told, I have not been writing as much as I should be but a friend of mine piqued my interest by blogging and posting his games publically with annotations on a site similar to this one.
Mine will not be chess only. Don't fret, there will be chess, but I think I want it to be more than that. I don't know exactly how this will all turn out since I have no clear plan at this point, but I just felt like writing after a day like today. I have a lot on my mind...
I went to a wedding today. He is the 32nd out of a class of 37 to get married. I am one of the remaining 5 who remains spouseless. This does not trouble me since I have already secured my future as a loving husband in the years to come. What makes today odd all starts with a phone call as I pulled up to the wedding site. It was my sister (in law). The conversation started innocently enough with polite jocularity and the sort of banter that goes on as usual between us. I told her that I was going to a wedding and she kinda chuckled which in hindsight makes me uneasy given the news she was about to drop on me. The mood was light and normal as our conversations are and very rapidly she changed the subject to one of a more serious nature. The introduction goes like this: "Your brother doesn't want to be married anymore..." We have just lost cabin pressure.
"..... Amanda"
My niece has just cleared year one of her life and is so lively, curious, cute, and intelligent already. She is starting to speak, has been imitating noises and actions for months now, and is a miracle in many different ways. Suddenly she will be the product of a broken home... I am distressed.
After the wedding, I drove to her house with haste to have a conversation about it. She went on to tell me that he told her this about a month ago (around my engagement date). Everyone knew, even my parents, except for me. I don't quite understand it really. Evan is the kind of person who has been grooming himself for complete freedom of social constrictions. Amanda knew this, Evan knew this, and I knew this. What I did not know is that he would do it with such a young toddler at home. Anyways, back to my point. He had told all of his friends a couple months ago even before he told his wife. Then they went on for a month like this almost acting as if nothing had changed. The other day Evan told my younger brother Riley, but he still has not talked with me about it. At this point I am about to punch him in the face. There is a long story between these two people and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that he would not be where he is if it were not for her.
The question that gets me is why he didn't tell me. I have a sneaking suspicion that he (a man who claims to be free of care for the opinions/judgements of others) is afraid of my judgement. This isn't the first time that he's been afraid of what I think of him. For instance, when he studied for his GED exam he told me that he took the exam and passed (a lie). He didn't take the exam but felt that he would disappoint me if he decided not to. In the case of his marriage, I was his best man at the wedding and I helped him purchase the ring. Perhaps this helps to explain it... but I might just be misreading my interpretation of self-importance. He is not the type of man who likes to feel shame. I think he should be ashamed...
The word "selfish" keeps running through my mind. On Monday he is running to Peru again... maybe the iawasca (*sp) will give him some perspective on such a horrible decision.
*sigh* I need to sleep on this.
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